The Big C

A journey through Stage Four Cancer

Gearing Up For A New Battle

The line in the sand has been crossed, I do have cancer again.  This will be my second battle.  My first battle was in 2009 when I had colon cancer in both my colon and my ovaries.  It was only hours from killing me when it was discovered.  This time, I still have colon cancer, but it is not in my colon it is in my abdomen.  It is not just one tumor, but a few.  One of the tumors is already the size of a large orange and it is causing my thighs to have strange sensations.  My right thigh is always asleep/numb.  Sometimes the touch of the cloth of my jeans causes an unbearable burning.  The area gets cold, and it takes forever to warm it.  I’m starting to have trouble standing for shorter and shorter amounts of time because of pain.

Monday I go to another oncologist to plan another round of chemo.  Will I have nausea?  Will it make my hair fall out?  This time, will I be completely bald?  All the unknown.

The plan is that I will be poisoned with chemo until the tumor hopefully shrinks and dies.  Or until it hopefully shrinks and can be surgically removed.

That is what I would like your prayers for, that the chemo does destroy the tumor and that I am finally cancer free, or that I have a long remission until my youngest turns eighteen and is a young adult.  I know that children always need their parents, but as we grow older, the need changes.

If there is anything about getting cancer again that I am having trouble reconciling, it is the idea of leaving my baby at such a young age.  Not reading to her.  Not brushing the knots out of her hair or kissing her goodnight.

I won’t say that I didn’t shed a few tears, because I did.  I am mostly past that now, except for the aforementioned.  I am now trying to be active.  I know that this round, despite having insurance, is going to cost my family financially  so I’m trying to write a book before chemo makes me too tired.  It is on my other blog marynate.blogspot.com.  Well to be totally accurate, the first two chapters are.  I will put a little more up, but the idea is to get feedback and then actually sell the book, make money and be able to pay for some of my medical expenses.

The other thing I’m doing is trying to make some t-shirts that touch people on some level- their humor, their heart where ever, and use the money from those sales to also pay my medical expenses. cafepress.com/sagharborgifts

I’m also asking your opinion here, and that is, do you think it’s tacky for me to try to set up an charity donation  fund for my three youngest?  The greater probability is that they are going to be motherless soon, and without getting into scandal and dirty laundry, let me assure you, there is no one in either my family or my husband’s family that will do more than send a sympathy card when I’ve fought my final earthly battle.  No one is going to step in and say “How is Nate going to pay for child care?  How will the kids afford college?”  It’s not meaness, it’s just …. I don’t know what you would say?  The thought would never even come to their mind.   I would really like to get something set up for them now, because there are no guarantees that I will get through this battle with cancer, or in what condition to broach this subject later.

It’s really hard to figure out what to do now, when you aren’t even sure how long ‘now’ is, that will be there for your children later when you are gone.  I know that no one really knows how long their now is going to be, but probability wise, my now will be a lot shorter than most people reading this.

For right now, I’m sacrificing any “me” time to brush hair, play Uno with them, read to them and spend every possible moment with them.  But I keep wondering, is there something else I should be doing?

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