The Big C

A journey through Stage Four Cancer

The End

on September 17, 2011

I always come to the party late it seems.  Actually, that is not the best way to express this.  I always seem to learn about things long after they are well established.  There is a Christmas Carol “Mary Did You Know?”  As soon as I heard it, I loved it, and had to share it with others.  Turns out, it was old news.  The song had come out the year before.

Oh well.

Going through stage four cancer is mostly unchartered territory.  The doctors know what to expect of the organism, that is, my body, but not really what is going through my mind.  They can expect that I will feel sad, and even mad.  They have no idea of the rollercoaster that I sometimes ride; emotions of terror that get soothed by my faith, and then the deep sadness that I feel thinking of my motherless children.  I don’t think anyone without stage four cancer can truly understand how deep the terror and sadness can be.

It was after Derek Miller died that I discovered his blog.  The first entry I read, was his last entry, suitably labeled “The Last Post.”  Derek is an atheist.  As I read “I haven’t gone to a better place, or a worse one. I haven’t gone anyplace, because Derek doesn’t exist anymore.” I felt so sad and I felt so badly for him!  To not have any hope of ever reuniting with my husband and children?  This hope is the only thing that makes stage four cancer bearable for me.

Reading on, Derek wrote “So I was unafraid of death—of the moment itself—and of what came afterwards, which was (and is) nothing. As I did all along, I remained somewhat afraid of the process of dying, of increasing weakness and fatigue, of pain, of becoming less and less of myself as I got there.”

He expressed my feelings and fears!  I had to read more of his blog.  I spent hours reading, and plenty of my sleepless nights contemplating his thoughts.

I hope his wife Airdrie leaves the blog searchable for a long time because as a person with stage four cancer, Derek “gets it.”  His blog is a resource for those of us still in the trenches.  If you would like to read Derek’s blog, here is the link to his last post.  The rest of his blog is searchable, just erase all the link after .com/    http://www.penmachine.com/2011/05/the-last-post

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