The Big C

A journey through Stage Four Cancer


on January 5, 2011

So, I’m blogging a lot today, huh? 🙂

That’s because I procrastinated on blogging about my dreams that were getting me down, and then I Got The Call.

Back to the dreams.  They really had me feeling down.  Then two of my sons talked to me at different times, because I had told them about my dreams.

The dreams affected them also.  The dreams depressed them.  I find that really astounding because these were only dreams!  Something to hear, roll your eyes about, discount as a dream, and forget.

The first son is my youngest son, and he had just finished reading a book by Father Amorth who is the head excorcist at the Vatican called “An Excorcist Tells His Story.”  The contents of the book are still fresh in his mind, and on his mind, if you know what I mean?

He asks me if the dream makes me feel depressed? Sad?

He is sure the dreams are diabolical (from the devils influence), reminds me that the devil is also referred to as “the father of lies” and to totally dismiss the dreams for the poison they are.

And before the doctor called to tell me that the cancer was back and that I must come into his office, I begin to be able to follow his advice.

They were weird dreams, but dreams all the same.

The afternoon that the doctor called, the memory of the dreams come back to me full force.  I can’t keep the tears from my eyes and the second son reassures me that I will be fine.  This time, they are catching the cancer early.

But I have trouble accepting his reassuarnces, and I tell him for the first time about the second dream – the one with satan and the calendar.

Now he is upset too.  We make a fine pair.

Eventually he leaves the room.  For the sake of the rest of the people with me, I try my best to turn off the tears and concentrate on the television, although I have no idea what program we were watching.

He comes back into the room a little later.  There is confidence in him as he sits down next to me and takes my hand.

If the dream is from satan, which I am sure it was, then he is not to be believed, because he is the father of lies.  More than that, why would he know what the date of my death would be?  he has no idea if God has a cure or a remission in His plans for me.  Surely, God doesn’t share his plans with his arch-nemesis?

So then why the dream, when he must have known as a Catholic I would not look for or accept his fortune telling?  But I did, for some amount of time.  And I allowed it to depress me.

Yes, I allowed the dream influeneced by someone who despises me to depress me.

Worse, now that the cancer has returned, I have allowed the dream to depress me and without my son’s intellect, I could have been too depressed to fight through this next occurence.

Not now.  Oh no, not now.

I am assembling my arsenol.  My doctor, who is brilliant, is making the battle plan to fight the enemy in my physical body.

My Catholic Faith is assembling the weapons to fight any infilltration into my soul.

The Sacred and Immaculate Hearts of Jesus and Mary will be my refuge and strength.

The rosary will be my weapon.

And I won’t fear the enemy that can take my body, but only the one who can steal my soul. Matt10:28

Yet, after finding out that I had cancer again, I found myself playing the blame game, even though it wasn’t for very long and even though I knew better.  What did I do, not do, eat or not eat that made the cancer come back?

My pragmatic husband said “How do we know that the cancer hasn’t been there the whole time?  That when the tumor was removed last January (yes, almost exactly a year ago), that a few cells didn’t break away and now they are see-able on the CAT scan?”

Which gives me the small hope that may-be this time, after chemo kills the cancer, there won’t be any more cells to break away and come back again.

And I guess I should end this too, too long blog while my dear readers are at least slightly awake.



One response to “Broadsided

  1. gena says:

    I too dream vividly and that is the main cause of the insomnia I battle nightly…. sucks, doesn’t it ?

    So, the big C is back and that sucks even more…. but you have all the right weapons in place to kick it to the curb. And when your arsenal gets tired and weary, than I’ll step up with my weapons and fight for you and I know plenty of other warriors that will be doing just the same thing ! TOGETHER, we’ll fight this demon and WIN.

    gentle hugs and many prayers,

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