The Big C

A journey through Stage Four Cancer

Feeling shaky, or Why I Began to Write This Blog

on August 19, 2010

I tried to find this blog on the web, but I couldn’t find it because I had put stage four first, instead of cancer.  What I did find was a plethora of entries about stage four cancer;  how long can you expect to live after a diagnosis?

Then it came back to me, the hoplessness, the feeling as though there is no escape, the finality of the “sentence” of stage four cancer, that happened to me when I first looked my diagnosis up on the web.  Learning that you have stage four cancer is more than a diagnosis, it is a sentence.

A death sentence.  If this was a play, the stage directions would indicate a mournful sound, and the stage going black.  And then blacker.

I can’t argue, finding out that you have stage four cancer is a death sentence.  But guess what?  Being born is a death sentence too!  Yes, from the moment that you are born, it’s a count down to the day that you will die.  The only difference is usually on the day of birth, the lifespan of the infant seems to stretch on and on through the decades.  On the other hand, being diagnosed with stage four cancer seems to contract the years in a few years, months, even weeks.

To put it into perspective, as my cousin Tara pointed out, tomorrow morning you might step out of your house and get hit by a car.  In that case, it didn’t matter if you were 100% healthy or if you had stage four cancer.

My diagnosis was over a year ago.  I’ve had chemo three different times, and radiation once.  My fingers and toes tingle as a result of it, but otherwise with a few restrictions, I feel fine.

The statistics say that I have roughly three and a half years left.  I feel good.  My doctor reports seem to find that I am healthy.  I remind myself that it is the exception that makes the rule.

So, if you are feeling depressed because of all the non- encouraging facts that turn up when looking up about stage four cancer, feel heartened.  Yes, take care of yourself and don’t “do” to excess.  Get sufficient sleep, rest throughout the day.  Enjoy time in the sun.  Enjoy doing things with your family, your friends and your church.  Don’t let the specter of mortality hover over you. LIVE!!!!!

And be careful when leaving your house in the morning and crossing the street!

Want to read more of my writings?


2 responses to “Feeling shaky, or Why I Began to Write This Blog

  1. lily says:

    You are such an inspiration, Sweet Mary. God bless you, you are doing a wonderful thing here.

  2. MaryB says:

    Thank-you Lilly. And thank-you for spreading the word. Hopefully, someone who is feeling the way that I was, will find this, and feel a little comfort.

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